COMPERSION TRAINING: FREEING YOURSELF
WHAT IS IT.
Compersion is a term created by the non-monogamy community, more specifically
the Polyamory community. And it litterally means.
“The opposite of jealousy” / “That overwhelming joy you feel when someone else is happy” / “Joy from seeing others joy”
(lets ask google)
PolyOz defines compersion as “the positive feelings one gets when a lover is enjoying another relationship. Sometimes called the opposite or flip side of jealousy.” They comment that compersion can coexist with jealous feelings.
So there you have it, isn’t it crazy to think that
a word that relates to an entire feeling, and the opposition of a major negative state
didn’t already exist !?
But not to fret, you are reading this, so you are now already wiser
and capable of adjusting your life to add in this wonderful aspect.
Find things in your normal day to day life that don’t involve you and bring joy to others.
Take some time to truly celebrate these moments.
Make note not to do this for any kind of self gain, recognition or status.
Simply enjoy the moment of letting someone else know how truly happy you are for them.
Some people may need to fake it till they make it, and a habit forms here.
Negative and selfish habits are fairly normal in society, so it can seem alien for some people
to gear themselves otherwise.
This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it simply means you will have to be a bit more mindful than
others, until it sticks.
Be the person who celebrates other’s victories and joy, not the person who throws tantrums about it not being you.
others are happy for you.
After you have mastered the ‘getting started’ part, and learned to be happy for others.
A big sticking point for people not ‘feeling’ compersion, is they don’t believe it’s ever
been given to them.
Or they feel everything nice is only done because others want something from them.
This is a VERY toxic outlook, but one society tends to breed.
Assuming the best of people and genuinely accepting their praise and well wishes
not only helps you gain access to compersion for others, it also helps you avoid feeding the negative
trolls in your life, as they aren’t getting what they want.
negative individuals who can’t drag you down with passive aggressive statements will move on
and good people will who enjoy celebrating one another’s joys will move in.
In short, feign ignorance and ignore negative people and simply assume the best.
STOP EXPECTING PSYCHICS TO DATE YOU.
‘Im fine’ Is NOT a statement that should be used unless you truly ‘are fine’.
When you first get involved in poly, you ‘want’ to be fine, for others sake.
but if you don’t learn to voice yourself openly and trust that people are ok hearing your emotional journey as you overcome it, then you will likely find a blockage in assuming the best of others
and being a happy individual on others behalves as you are carrying around a time bomb of spite and resentment.
The little things build up quickly as poly expands as there are more people involved.
more emotions, more decisions and more lifestyle chaos.
These need to be mitigated with open and honest communication so compersion can flow freely.
When someone says ‘I’m fine’, others should 100% believe you. and you them.
JEALOUSY BELONGS TO YOU, NO ONE IS ‘CAUSING IT’
It is quite a profound moment when you realise no one is “making you jealous”.
You simply ‘are’, and this can be for many reasons.
Even in the case of some very immature person trying to make you jealous,
it is ultimately within your own power to be or not to be, jealous.
Don’t get sucked in to the hype that poly people ‘aren’t jealous’, that just isn’t true.
Jealousy is a perfectly natural emotion, and it has it’s purpose.
Most people however have yet to actually figure out what that purpose is.
When you feel jealous, it usually means something is missing from your own life, wants and needs at that time.
Sorting yourself and your own needs out, often eliminates jealousy.
Jealousy can also stem from insecurity.
and insecurity can come in many forms, be it self image issues (fear of not being good enough physically), control issues (fear of losing control), abandonment issues (fear they will leave you)
these are all clear signs of a deeper seeded issue that really belongs to the holder.
If you find you are having difficulties with insecurity, be honest with yourself and seek help
even if its only ‘self help’. being mindful of yourself is the first step to freeing yourself from
When you are managing your insecurities jealousy triggers, compersion will come more easily
CHECK YOUR BATTERIES
Batteries are a quick way of defining your life needs.
some of the easy ones to define are.
Food / Hydration / Warmth, when these are low you can truly notice the physical and psychological effects.
Some other ones that can effect you mentally and emotionally if ignored are.
Sex life / intimacy / social / you time / aspiration / hobbies / etc.
Quite often when we see someone and find it hard to feel happy for them. or even feel jealous,
it’s because we are starving ourselves.
A person who is starving will envy the fed.
A person who is overfed will appreciate the help and share freely.
This doesn’t excuse yourself to act with a childish attitude
eg: “I’m in need of —— so I’m going to be moody”
No it just helps you identify your own needs and responsibilities.
No one is responsible for you, except you.
Free Love has no chains, and no requirements to take on other peoples mess.
everyone has to care for their own batteries, they can ask for help if need be.
but that also requires someone to understand and communicate openly and effectively.
Take a moment to consider if you have flat batteries in any areas of your life. and consider if they have ever effected your outlook or made it harder for you to be joyful for others.
remove ranked love
primary / secondary … nope, just lovers.
People getting involved in poly can sometimes cling to life monogamous life lines.
“main partner” / “primary partner” / closed circle trio (aka: monogamy +1)
Hey if this works for you, more power to you.
However some of these can halt compersion, as you start to set ‘value’ on people based on proximity
and title rather than bonds built.
If however you choose to free fall in to love.
“I am open to be equally in love with all who are involved with me”
and accept that bonds will be different, and the bonds are the truly remarkable difference.
you start to open yourself more towards compersion.
While compersion can certainly exist in many situations. I have personally witnessed and experienced a much greater access to it when there are no life lines or mono like scenarios involved.
AVOID ‘IGNORING’ OR BEING ‘IGNORANT
“Its fine as long as I dont see it”
We call this line, “the cancer of poly”. or “the little death”
The imagination is a powerful and vicious beast, and it can paint pictures of scenarios
where others are far greater than you in every way.
however ! it’s easy for you to fix !
Just get to know the people involved with your lovers.
how easy is that !
You will find they are normal people, and you will also become a very real person to them
and ultimately you will all want to see the best for one another.
also you have a lot in common, you date the same people.
so you know all the funny quirks about them, what better things to bond over.
talk often and openly about what you like about others
Oh they look nice, / Hmm I love their style / Did you see that actors shoulders ? /
Trust me when I say, “If you cannot talk openly about your attraction to others, you aren’t going to handle seeing them with others”
Being open with one another will help you all become much more secure,
and this security will help you move towards comersion for others.
If you know your lover is in to motorcycles, but you don’t enjoy them.
You will be able to feel good for them when they go for a ride with someone else.
talk often and openly about what you like about eachother
Don’t forget to tell one another what you appreciate and love about one another.
it’s easy to get distracted by all the new faces.
Make time for one another, and remind each-other exactly how much they are appreciated.
compersion flows easily if your emotional battery is full
get to know metamores (your partners partners)
Become buds with your lovers other partners.
this isn’t always possible, perhaps you clash as people.
But giving it a go is always worth it.
Its VERY easy to feel compersion when you know the people involved.
A lot of anxiety evaporates when this is done.
Just to drive this point home.
Be aware of yourself, it will take mindful time and active purposeful reframing of your views and reactions, to change the reality you wish to live in.
negative to positive is a road worth taking.
UNDERSTAND YOU ARE ENOUGH. AND SO MUCH MORE
The biggest compersion killer is usually a doubt in your value.
‘Why do you like them more?’
‘Um i don’t, we just get on well and bonded over motorbikes.’
‘I could like bikes, I could do that for you!’
‘You don’t like bikes, and I don’t want you to change for me, I love you how you are!’
This is a pretty common compersion block.
Know from someone who is poly,
You ARE enough, and they simply don’t want to change you.
and thats fantstic, you can be your most authentic self.
no more masks, or trying to impress with clothes you don’t actually like.
or trying to mimic interests.
Just be YOU !
And you kow what, the fact that you accept them for who they are
and that they have other lovers and you are cool with that.
They will actually appreciate you even MORE.
I know when someone finally loved me as a poly person
it took some time for me to believe it, and when I finally realised it was real I
fell for them like there was no tomorrow.
It was like I could finally be myself.
So after I have shared that little bit of info, you can now know
you ARE enough for any ethical poly person.
and you are so much more, if you accept them truly.
Now that thats gone, you can be free to feel compersion for them.
look after yourself
Take time for you, be it for mental health.
Hobbies, enjoyment, or video games.
Heck, your in an open relationship. go on some dates without your other halves !
Treasure your time, you are central to you and must take care of it.
In monogamy a lot of people fall in to an unhealthy habit
of mimicking parent child relationship structures, where a part of their life
is dependant on the other. if you watch for these dynamics you will notice a lot of
their fights bloom from this point.
Just avoid it all together, and care for yourself.
And share the joy, and compersion while also feeling and accepting the compersion heading your way.
Remember you are a wonderful creature, and worth the time and effort you devote to yourself.
MAKE SURE ITS EQUAL FREEDOMS FOR ALL INVOLVED
Nothing kills poly and compersion faster than ranked rules.
even in BDSM protocols need to be in place for peoples enjoyment and fun.
that fun might involve degradation, or uneven relationship structures.
but all parties are mature consenting adults who find such things fun if they agree to it.
if not, then they renegotiate or leave.
Unequal freedoms can include things like.
“I can date but you can’t”
“We can only see people of (x) gender because that’s all I want around”
“You can join our relationship as a lesser partner, but you can’t find any other people, (despite not offering a fully involved relationship)”
These situations are built on insecurity and anxiety.
so naturally compersion cannot grow in this soil.
NO SCORE KEEPING.
Tit for tat score keeping means you are spending your time looking for the negatives.
not looking for the positives to celebrate.
If you truly have an issue with something.
‘Discuss it’ / resolve it / make amends / drop it / forget it’
You are all meant to be on the same team, not opposing sides.
even your partners partners are on your team.
Compersion flows much easier with this mentality removed.
Have you consented to be involved in poly ?
if not, then you likely will have issues with compersion because you feel trapped or forced in to the situation.
Go and talk to your lover(s) and discuss the feelings you are having until you find something you truly can comfortably consent to.
This can be a very confronting discussion, so try to leave heated emotions out of it.
no one is here to ‘win’. only ‘resolve’.
FOOT NOTE ON SSC
Poly or non-monogamy is about free love.
not free as in a financially free transaction, or free from responsibility.
its more free like the tide, it will go where it is drawn to go.
and that will be the places its most attracted to or dare I say ‘pulled towards’.
COMPERSION IN BDSM
BDSM in many of its most wonderful guises is about control.
And poly is about freedom.
Compersion is about joy for others, and in a way so is BDSM.
we can be polar opposites and still feel an overwhelming amount of joy when doing something that you know is more for them than yourself in that moment. and how many times have you heard someone getting a loud spank from across the club, and you all light up with smiles. sure, sadism helps.
but it’s still a state of compersion, you know that individual being spanked is loving that moment
and the person spanking is clearly in to it.
this is a wonderful moment shared with all.
‘BUT WHAT IF THEY FIND SOMEONE BETTER?’
There is only one you,
Even twins are different people despite their visual likeness.
In BDSM we come to realize everyone we play with is new and different.
no single training technique will work on everyone.
Hence the greatest teachers and minds in BDSM key in to the student not a cookie cutter plan.
Remember, sometimes you need to stop saying
“Im not worth it”
“Am I worth it?”
“I AM worth it !”
And start asking
“Are they worth it?”
Poly is about compatibility,
just because someone is poly it doesn’t mean they are the rite partner for you.
or you for them.
this isn’t a bad thing, you can still be fantastic friends.
But first you need to hold yourself above all others and be secure in who you are.
don’t apologize for your needs, just be honest about them.
and don’t force others to apologize for theirs either.
You can all stand tall in your unique selves, and you will find over time those
who mesh best with you will be drawn to you. and you to them.
“But what if they DO find someone better?”
better at what?, ping pong ? sex ? nintendo ?
define better !
No one is better when you realize we are all different.
if you ARE dumped because they “found someone else”
then I am sorry, you weren’t with someone poly.
If you break up because of issues, and they find someone else.
thats not someone better, thats someone after.
There is an endless amount of information available online about compersion.
please do continue to look in to it.
Ultimately it comes down to mitigating habitual netagive impulses
and grooming new reactions based on positivity and love. and allowing that
emotional state to grow.
we all have it within us we just need to turn the volume dial up.
This is just a bit of info to get you started on your journey in to compersion.
Just enough to help get you thinking along the rite path and get you involved.
now get out there, get off your computer! and actually have some adventures!!
KEEP IT KINKY
THE SANGUINE PACK