BDSM BASICS 101

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BDSM BASICS: CARE PROCEDURES AND GUIDELINES


WHAT IS IT.

BDSM: Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.
while that is the breakdown of the acronym, it is by no means the depth or breadth of this amazing world


 

GUIDELINES

When it comes to getting started in BDSM, there are a lot of exciting things that rush around our minds at a billion miles per second, and generally rite after “oh that would be fun” comes “how can I do this without harming someone?”
At least it SHOULD come next.
So here are some basic blue prints to get you started, so you can grow from there.


 

SSC VS RACK VS CONONCON

SSC: SAFE SANE CONSENSUAL:

The universal rules of BDSM / there is no excuse for fucking this up

SAFE

Is what you are about to embark upon safe?
Have you taken the time to lay out safety equipment?
Do you have ANY training or research in this area?
will it case any real lasting unwanted damage. ?
Do you have medical and sterilising equipment for the worst case scenario and to maintain your toys and bodies?

SANE

Ask yourself
Will this create any real lasting Mutilation and or to a great extent Death?
are you going to ruin somebody’s Social, Educational or Business life?
Are the terms Being put forward not healthy in a
Physical, Mental or Emotional capacity?

CONSENSUAL

YOU ARE YOUR’S
If something you are not comfortable with is happening.
Has Consent been given?
if you are not in a relationship with said person, consent must be obtained EVERY time, until you both grow in to a comfortable relationship and agree otherwise
Yes consent for a new direction can be exchanged during a scene should the mood strike, but it should be noted that this needs to be mutually wanted and not coerced
by one party or another.

FOOT NOTE ON SSC
Watch out for people who take liberties using this as their mask.
for example.
-Touching you in a fashion outside of after-care, AFTER a scene without consent.
-Defending such touching after politely being asked to stop.
-Trying to take liberties outside the consented guidelines DURING a scene when you are in sub space and there for more pliable and agreeable.
-trying to negotiate extended time / ownership / dates or anything else straight after a scene, while you are in sub space and your system is in shock.
Don’t get me wrong, we all love that giddy rush during and after a scene and want more.
but it’s a low move to use this time, rather than later on to propose more. for example,
(That was nice, hey. would you accept my collar?)
Give the kid a break, let the come back down to earth, and THEN ask them. they will still remember the good times.
but they will be answering as them, rather than a beaten sub drunk sub

 

R.A.C.K: Risk Aware – Consensual Kink

Risk Aware – Is everyone involved, intimately aware of ALL the risks.
both immediate, future, possible, social, legal, physical etc. etc.
Consensual Kink: – Has everyone consented to the risks.
NOTE: Risk Aware – Consensual Kink, is too ambiguous for new kinksters in my opinion. as those you play with may be experienced enough to say they fully understand the “risks”, however a newbie isn’t. and this ambiguity quite often leads to a breaking of trust and consent. (you cannot consent to something you are simply not aware of)
HOWEVER, RACK might be a quick short hand agreement between those more experienced players who have studied their desired craft. and are happy to proceed
forward without the lengthy formalities and check points of SSC.
ADDITIONALLY, RACK is used for those who do not wish to play in the “safe” or “sane”
zones, and their fetish exists outside of these paradigms.
So being 100% clear on not only what is being used as the safety ideal, but why they have chosen this ideal is important. as not everyone governs RACK for the same reason.
again, another effect of ambiguous anagrams.


 

CONNONCON: Consensual Non-Consent (E.g.: rape role play)

Connoncon is VERY specific, so it doesn’t really work as an overall standalone guideline.
but rather the cherry on top of an otherwise pre-negotiated guideline.
feel free to negotiate its use when applicable.
NOTE: CONNONCON, is a precursor to some pretty heavy role play and scenes.
so if you are brand-new to playing and scening, it’s advised to have a few dry runs without it first.
HOWEVER: Connoncon can seriously drive up the excitement and experiences of primal play, impact play, medical play, confinement, even general sex.
if you find it’s your flavour that is.
so I would advise, be smart, and submerge yourself slowly over time.
and have the same respect for anyone you are introducing to it.
after the first few try’s you can dive in as fast as you like, as trust, bonds and a communication short hand are now in place.


 

CARE PROCEDURES

Quite often in the scene, we will hear about “after care” and how important it is.
but we hear next to nothing about all the other VERY important care factors.
so let’s fix that now.

PRE-CARE: Comes before the scene,
It is your time to check in with one another a number of factors.
– Awareness: (Ensure everyone is on the same page)
– SSC: (Do you all agree on what is and isn’t reasonable for this scene?)
– Aftercare / Post care needs.
(Explain expectation / negotiate alternatives if need be)
((Ensure care goes both ways))
– Health concerns
(infectious risk / injuries / mental health / trigger points /allergies)
((How to avoid / manage these situations should they arise))
– Limits
(No go play / hard limits / soft limits / Toys not to use / Body exposure, use)
– Expectations
(What you all expect from the scene / Toys involved / Body exposure, use)
– Safety procedures
(Verbal safeword, checkword / Nonverbal, Yellow/Red/Check signs)
((Yellow = slow down but don’t stop / Red = stop the scene / Check = are you ok?))
((( Examples: Yellow = hands played open / Red = flashing hands open and closed / Check = Hand squeezing hand, waiting for a squeeze back)))

DO NOT:
– Coerce someone, if they are not a solid “YES” then they take it as a solid no.
tomorrow you want everyone involved to wake up with fond memories, what you don’t want is people waking up feeling like they have been manipulated in to stepping out of their own personal frame work. what’s ok for you might not be ok or them.
(Example: “are you sure you don’t want to?” / “awe c’mon! it will be fun!” / “Go on, just give it a go!, c’mon!”)
While coercion might be fine between seasoned partners, it’s not ok with newbies.
– Omit Facts, if you are not honest about the risks involved then you ARE abusing them.
there is no ifs/and/buts about it.
(Example: not telling someone about even the slightest risk of scars / not telling someone about the potential mental pressures involved / not telling someone about your own mental health, medical health issues / not telling someone about triggers and impulses you may have in situations)
While vanillas might hide behind “that’s private”, the BDSM scene is not so precious about your privacy when it comes to other people’s safety and wellbeing.

MID-CARE: Comes during the scene,
It is your time to check in on one another, and ensure you are both doing ok.
– SSC: is it still in play, if not. then quickly remedy the situation. and the scene if that’s what it takes, but do not proceed without the negotiated SSC parameters in place.
– Alertness: Check to ensure the bottom / sub / slave / toy etc. is alert.
if they tend to go quiet during their happy space, then ensure this was covered off in the pre-care negotiations.
– Check in: Be it verbal or non-verbal. a quick check in is essential when you are first starting out. some individuals can understandably be concerned that this process may break headspace. firstly, it will break the “magic” a lot more if they crash. secondly, you can check in and actually have it ADD to your scene if done correctly.
all you are looking for is their ability to respond. if its role-play, order them to talk.
if it’s more physical. change to something a bit stingier and shock them, and see how they react. or even just ask them in a statement form (oh you like that don’t you!)
their cheeky grin or ‘murs’ will let you know they heard you,
If you have them bound or restrained in any way, you will also need to check for blood flow restrictions, nerve impingement and other such risk factors related to that play style.
The check in is your time to ensure that nothing has changed mentally, physically, emotionally or conditionally. outside of what’s been negotiated.

DO NOT:
– Shift outside of negotiated parameters: As it’s a breach of SSC.
additionally this is one of the scummiest fishing tactics someone could ever do.
now you might think I am being a bit heavy here, but let’s look at it for what it is.
BDSM, like many other extreme activities, is like a drug. you get a rush.
and that rush takes you out of your cantered state. (particularly if you are the bottom)
negotiating with someone when they’re in their rite frame of mind,
then re-negotiating with them when they are outside of that centred state, is a predatory act, or at the very least, the act of a weak and cowardly individual,
if you want something, have the guts to ask for it in pre-care.
this also applies to the bottom, if you stated you wanted non sexual at the start.
and now you are all hot and heavy, and want the “D”.
Unless you have a pre-existing relationship. then I would simply say “no”
Wind down the scene, and agree to take a break for an hour or to and start a new scene with the new higher limits implemented, this gives you both a chance to return to your centred state and assess if it’s really a want.
sure, once you have established consent in an ongoing relationship for such things.
you CAN negotiate shifts in the middle of a scene, but we are delivering basics here,
with the intention it be read by newbies.
So be wise.

AFTER-CARE: Comes directly after the scene,
This is the time for all involved to take care of any shock treatment or injuries.
– SSC: is it still in play
– Tend any wounds: Ensure they are sterile, and dressed if need be.
– Physical Shock Treatment: Generally, this comes after an S&M, Primal, or other physically wounding and/or extreme scene. During these scenes the body goes in to fight or flight mode, the adrenalin kicks in, burning up the available blood glucose and hydration supplies, add that the wonderful chemical cocktail of endorphin’s, serotonin, and the occasional drop of cortisol. and other such splendid “state inducing brain chemicals”
and you have a wonderful experience, followed by a potentially dangerous follow on.
The body is inflamed, so it will start to haemorrhage   body heat which can lead to hypothermia. the psychological state of a crash can also perpetuate the issue,
in the worst case scenario’s (as quoted by medical specialists in the BDSM scene)
“this state can, at its worst end. can lead to death, if not halted”
what do you need to treat it.
[ HYDRATION / SUGAR / WARMTH / HUMAN COMFORT] The simplest solution, is a sports drink, a warm coat and a good cuddle together.
until everyone is back on track.
– Physical Exhaustion Treatment: This is very common among pet players, pony players, service submissive and really anyone who has a kink that requires a lot of physical conditioning to do long term. It’s pretty easy to understand as it’s the same kind of exhaustion one might expect to encounter after a long gym session, or boot camp.
what do you need to treat it.
[ HYDRATION / FOOD (PROTEIN) / REST ] The simplest solution can be a protein drink (vegan options are available ).
and just letting them relax next to you until their brain reboots and they are ready to socialize again.
– Mental Trauma Treatment: This is usually needed when someone has had a traumatic past ‘shadow’ or ‘pain’ triggered during a scene. perhaps something was said that reminded them of an account of rape / abuse / accident / loss or otherwise.
and the result is now a slightly disconnected individual.
Firstly, this eventuality should have been covered off in pre-care, so you should be now both navigating out of it as pre-planned.
however if it’s come up out of the blue, then ask them if there is anything you can do.
if not, then simply go about your own business, do NOT add stress to the situation
and don’t fuss over them, it will only make matters worse. and when the one who was triggered recovers, they can do something nice for the other half to reassure them they didn’t are ok and to thank them for their efforts and understanding.
Mental traumas are not the easiest to navigate so please take the time to be upfront and honest with one-another from the start, if you feel there are aspects that should be avoided.
– Mental Exhaustion Treatment: This is very common in protocol subs and slaves,
as well as Dom’s, Tops, Masters, Mistresses. or any other play style where you are pressed or focused mentally for extended periods of time.
When your mind runs a mile a minute, for several hours straight. you can easily reach a point of burn out until you condition yourself to it and learn some of the more reflexive aspects. it’s inevitable that everyone gets mental exhaustion at some point or another.
more often than not, the result is to remove the decision making situations and social obligations for a while until the brain cools off.
It tends to present itself as irritability, anxiety or a complete breakdown.
depending on the persons personality archetype
How to treat it.
[ GIVE THEM SPACE / DON’T ASK THEM QUESTIONS / JUST BE A FRIEND WITHOUT NEEDS / ] If your Dom is going through this and you usually ask them what they want for lunch.
try just making it for them after a big day. let them cool their brain off.
(remember they are only new, and it’s heavy work focusing on a thousand things at once, show them why you are so valuable, and how much you care.)
DO NOT:
– Use caffeinated drinks: As it perpetuates the adrenal dump, and heart rate issue, and prevents hydration.
– Deny aftercare: Even if you are the bottom / you aren’t the only one who needs to touch base and re-centre, new tops may have to deal with monster complex after giving you all those nice markings, so be kind and let them have that nice cuddle as well. help one another.
– Make it a blame game: Crashes happen for a lot of reasons, and no one goes in planning for them. (if they do, then sure. call them out on it) (playing to break is also different as it’s a Connoncon scene), remember, in BDSM we are a team. not solo artists.
so if “the team” has a sticking point “the team” fixes it.
– Double Wound: if you are still healing, let it fully heal before you go out and wound up again. I know when you are new to it all you want to try everything NOW!!.
so change it up a little, do some back flogging one day, some deep throat training the next,
some ass caning the next, some protocol positions the next, some puppy play the next.
some needle plays the next, so on and so on.
live it up and change it up, and your body will thank you for it by avoiding hematomas, and other nasty healing issues.

POST-CARE: Comes the next day, and two or three days later,
This is the time when we check up on one another to ensure we are going ok physically, mentally and emotionally after the scene.
– SSC: is it still in play: (PLEASE NOTE / THE CONSENT TO TOUCH YOU GAINED DURING THE SCENE, IS NO LONGER IN EFFECT, YOU NEED TO ASK EVERY TIME!, NOT JUST ONCE!)(sure if you have a relationship that may differ / but again we are catering to newbies and their first times here)
– Wound Care: if someone from your play requires medical attention or medication.
then you both go halves in it. if you are not prepared to go halves in the repair costs,
then you are not fit to be dishing out the damage.
– Mental Exhaustion Treatment: This is very common in protocol subs and slaves,
as well as Dom’s, Tops, Masters, Mistresses. or any other play style where you are pressed or focused mentally for extended periods of time.
When your mind runs a mile a minute, for several hours straight. you can easily reach a point of burn out until you condition yourself to it and learn some of the more reflexive aspects. it’s inevitable that everyone gets mental exhaustion at some point or another.
more often than not, the result is to remove the decision making situations and social obligations for a while until the brain cools off.
It tends to present itself as irritability, anxiety or a complete breakdown.
depending on the persons personality archetype
How to treat it.
[ GIVE THEM SPACE / DON’T ASK THEM QUESTIONS / JUST BE A FRIEND WITHOUT NEEDS / ] If your Dom is going through this and you usually ask them what they want for lunch.
try just making it for them after a big day. let them cool their brain off.
(remember they are only new, and it’s heavy work focusing on a thousand things at once, show them why you are so valuable, and how much you care.)
– Social Stress Treatment: A lot of new kinksters can encounter a special kind of guilt that arises a few days after their adventure in to kink.
usually it comes from having a heavily prudish or repressed vanilla social circle / family.
and also comes from a place where the fear of judgement is genuine.
How to treat
[ GIVE THEM SOMEONE TO VENT TO, HELP THEM FOCUS ON THE GOOD ] – Post Escapism Depression: Some of you might remember this one after you have come back from a few days at a convention / Ren-fair / larp / or any other form of escapism.
the reality is in BDSM we forge our own little pocket realities, separate from the vanilla world drama and judgement. and while this is fantastic. it can come with some post escapism depression when you go back to your desk at work and listen to people bickering about their kids, and the weather.
how to treat it.
[ MAKE PLANS FOR YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE / CHAT TO OTHER KINKSTERS]

POST NOTE: It’s important to understand that your limitations in the medical field,
even if you are a Doctor / Nurse / Psychotherapist,
it is still best for your relationship if you seek professional help when needed.
One of the quickest ways to destroy a BDSM dynamic is for parties within the dynamic
to suddenly start trying to “fix” one another.
It’s understandable why you would want to, after all you care about one another.
So, how can you help.
1) Take care of your own individual life. (Work / Friends / Family)
2) Take care of / manage, your own medical needs. (Seek a Psychologist if needed)
3) Be a supporter, not an enabler. (if you don’t know the difference, Google the topic)
4) If suicidal ideology occurs, be prepared to admit them if it gets to out of hand. (it’s not your call to deny professional help where it is evidently needed, and a life is on the line)
5) If they need help, be the hand they hold while they seek it.
6) Make sure no one involved is using their power exchange or dynamic as an excuse to enable poor mental health. (e.g.: Dom types who refuse to treat their depression, using their sub to serve them and enable the inactivity / Dom types with control anxiety issues using their dynamic to enable the problem / sub types with Emotional instability disorders, expecting their Dom to “control” their behaviour (passing the blame). / sub types with DPD expecting their Dom types to constantly shift and change with their change in state.
~the above are just a few examples of those who should seek help, and learn how to maintain their own lives. before putting it on others.
7) DO NOT! I REPEAT DO NOT! Expect the other half to do “all the work” and do not get in the habit of accepting this, a lot of you are probably thinking this is a common abuse point for subs to fall in to, but more and more frequently with the change in social trends.
its flipping over. and it doesn’t need to be either way, if you are seeking a decent dynamic.
Watch out for (those who receive care procedures but never give it back be them Dom or sub / those who make excuses about not giving care because it “messes with their head / perspective” / those who accept a scene but never give back in any way / those who constantly expect others to shift outside of their comfort zones but throw adult tantrums should anyone expect them to do the same”)

These are only a few factors.

Just enough to help get you thinking along the rite path and get you involved.
now get out there, get off your computer! and actually have some adventures!!

KEEP IT KINKY
Thorn Sanguine
Alpha Prime
THE SANGUINE PACK
Sanguinepack.com

 

(c)